I had my second Y12SR experience today (this is a yoga for 12-step recovery program: more on this later, but just as the name implies, it's the convergence of yoga and a 12-step program). The topic today was learning to be ok with being ourselves...and being ok with the journey to better understanding our true self. That's the key for me -- embracing the journey. If I'm being honest, I still can't say with certainty that I've figured myself out. I'm not sure I always know exactly who I am. With the changing seasons of my life, the answer to that question: "Who am I?" changes.
I'm conflicted much of the time. One minute I think I've figured it out and I'm living my truth. Then the next moment I'm completely frustrated and feeling like I'm suffocating in whatever truth I've managed to build for myself that no longer feels authentic or in alignment with where I am today. Usually when that happens, I have a feeling that I was duped into going down the wrong path. But who duped me? Me!! That's the irony. That's usually when I blow shit up so that i can get myself back on track.
Some days I'm determined to build a massively successful business empire; while other days I'm dreaming and scheming my creation of a meditation retreat center where people can completely unplug from all of their massively successful business empires. Some days I hit the gym and yoga mat for hours of intense sweat and hard work. Other days, I write, reflect, listen to podcasts, and hardly move out of my mental state of shavasana all day.
Within all that contradiction, conflict, yin & yang, could I really claim to know who I am, who the person is who lies at the core of it all? I think so. But I also think it would be arrogant to think I've got it figured out now. In reality, with every season and chapter of my life, I look back and see my past self as someone who was struggling to figure it out. By that token, my current self is then just a past self for my future self to reflect on as not having it figured out yet. That's actually the fun adventure of our journey. The part that keeps me growing and looking for more meaning.
I have come to believe that with most things in life, there isn't a finish line. (In practice, I often have to remind myself of this though). And I may never have a finite answer to "Who Am I?", but I will keep seeking. Even for those few rare souls who claim to be enlightened, I am a skeptic in believing that they have really got it all figured out. I tend to believe it's more of an infinite spectrum. I'm not sure where I fall on that spectrum, but I personally want to always be given new lessons and challenges to figure out. For now, learning to be ok with hat journey is where am I'm at. Be ok with the process of self-discovery. Be ok with who I am today, while simultaneously enjoying the process of trying to be a better version of that tomorrow!